No it fucking isn’t!

My faith in the entire publishing industry has collapsed, dissipated like a lonely goat’s fart on a mountaintop. I don’t know if I can ever read another book again. The lies, the deceit, the untruths, it’s all just too much for me.

You see I’ve been working my way through the second installment of Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan’s Strain Trilogy, The Fall, for the past week so every time I switch on my Kobo the cover stares me in the face. The title. The authors. The tagline. The eerie photo of a religious statue. And the quote.

The fucking quote.

“A high-tech vampire epic.” – San Francisco Chronicle

Okay, let’s work our way through that. I have no problem at all with “A” seeing as it is most definitely a single item. Those who would treat the letter ‘h’ as a vowel and place ‘an’ before it deserve a special circle of hell to themselves as far as I’m concerned so the “A” remains. Now we skip to the end. “Epic”? I’d say so, covering as it does the downfall of the entire human race from a starting point in history’s distant past. Perhaps it’s only just epic and no more but we’ll allow it. And the book is about vampires (and disease and apocalypse and fallen angels and all that) so no issue there.

“High-tech”?

No. No it fucking isn’t. Fuck off. You just said that so your little soundbite could sound all hip and look good to sci-fi fans. You’re trying to ride the nerd bandwagon without realising you don’t have to cause you’re already reviewing a fucking vampire book. Let’s see. The vampires use their bodies to kill. That’s it, no tech of any sort. The heroes? Well they use such Battlestar Galactica-esque weaponry as, erm, swords. And daggers. And nail guns. And hideously 80s blacklights. Oh wait, maybe he means the transport they use! You know, the, erm, cars and planes and boats and trains. In fact the only thing even vaguely high-tech is that one of the protagonists writes a blog entry. Twice in fact. That’s it. And for all we know he typed it out on a shitty old Dell running Windows 95.

High-tech? My balls are more high-tech. Aside from that it’s a bloody good read – airport fiction to be sure but with a delightful subject matter and fast pace. I’m a sucker for apocalyptica in any form 🙂

Won’t be reading any more books after this though. Can’t risk a quote-induced heart attack at 36…

 

(Been a long day, need sleep, brain feels better for random pointless rant.)

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2 responses to “No it fucking isn’t!

  1. hose who would treat the letter ‘h’ as a vowel and place ‘an’ before it deserve a special circle of hell to themselves

    Cheering loudly! It’s either an ‘ospital or a hospital. Also those who precede a hard ‘U’; universal, unit etc with ‘an’. Grrrr! Grrrr, I say!

  2. Damed curly quotes. An 'ospital. That’s better.

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