The Amazing, Astounding And Absolutely Awesome Adventures Of Alan The Alien

Okay everyone, I’d like you to meet Alan. Alan is an alien who lives on the moon. Well, not really, he’s a squishy, colourful little toy composed of a few koosh balls (is that how you spell it?) and who arrived in a package for Em a couple of weeks ago. I saw him, I grabbed him, he’s mine. I’ve had him sitting in my classroom for a few days now, something I originally thought was a bad idea as all I heard for an hour was “Teacher Paul! Look Alan! I play with Alan!”. Gah, dumb move.

Then an idea hit me – if they’re so obsessed with the little fella, why not use him as an educational resource. I mean I know you should never use any kind of living being as a means to an end but fuck it, I’m his lord and master. So I got one of my classes to try their hands at creative writing, something at which they normally – wait, what’s the opposite of excel? Whatever it is, that’s what they do. By some miracle though, Alan inspired them to greatness, climbing literary heights which had previously been the sole preserve of Dostoevsky, Joyce and their ilk.

Well, not quite.

But anyway, here are a couple of samples from the exercise “Write a story about Alan using simple past tense. Try to make it fun. Please.” I’ve corrected a few mistakes, left a few in such as the title for the first one to preserve the students’ artistic integrity. If they keep this up it may be a regular feature here…

Alan Do At Holiday (by Prach)

Alan is an alien , he lived on the moon. He listened to the radio and he danced B-boy. One day there was a storm. Alan died and he was born on the world. He is a worm. He is a very crazy worm in the world. One day Teacher Paul caught Alan and Teacher Paul took him to The Language and he was very happy and he fought vampires. He did a Power Cyclone Storm and the vampire died and he was very good and he was king of the world.

A Scary Alien (by Ton-Palm)

Alan was a scary alien. Alan had big arms and small eyes and was short and had long teeth. Alan lived in school. Pop was a girl. Pop was 11 years old. One day Pop died because Alan ate her heart. Alan turned off Pop’s body and she went into Punsip’s body. One day Alan ate Punsip’s heart. Punsip died. Prach turned Punsip’s body off. Alan cycled to Ging. Ging died. Prach took Ging to the toilet and Alan ate many people. Alan went to Ploy. Ploy shot Alan but Prach didn’t die. Alan was angry but Alan didn’t eat Ploy because Alan loved Ploy. Ploy said to Prach, “I don’t love Alan.” Alan was angry. Alan cycled to Ploy but he did not eat Ploy and Ploy didn’t die but Ploy turned into an alien. Alan was hungry. Alan ate Ploy. Ploy died. Alan went to Pang. Alan cycled to Pang. Pang died. Alan ate Pang. A policeman went to Alan. The policeman shot Alan. Alan died. Many people died because Alan ate them.

2 responses to “The Amazing, Astounding And Absolutely Awesome Adventures Of Alan The Alien

  1. Am pretty sure that Ton-Palm has a future in existentialist philosophy. Or dystopian fiction. Either or.

  2. Stephen Peeven

    A suggestion for Ton-Palms book blurb

    Alan is a violent, severely deformed cannibal, an illegal alien from the UK living in Thailand due to the trouble he has caused overseas. He has no fixed abode so is forced to live in the basement of a local Thai school; with only rats to feast on. As loneliness takes hold of Alan he befriends an 11 year old girl but soon tires of this murderous hunger strike and eats her heart. Quickly and without warning the killing spree becomes a sick twisted tsunami of cannibalistic violence as our protagonist literally cycles around the school on his BMX eating kids left, right and centre. Will it be his unreciprocated homosexual love for a young Thai boy called Ploy or will it be the local policeman who will bring about his demise? A page turning, plot twisting, body shifting, cannibalistic ride… You will laugh until your knees explode….

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