I am a horror fan.
Simple enough sentence, hardly shocking or mind-blowing in this day and age, but being a true fan of a genre ranging from the sublimely ridiculous to the utterly and irredeemably depraved brings with it a certain mindset. Not just a way of thinking in general but also a certain pride, a sense of ownership over your prized movies and literature, an obligation to protect that which you hold sacred.
I can be fairly easy with the rules to be honest. I don’t mind zombies that can run, I just see it as an interesting twist on a sub-genre that risked becoming a tad stale (pardon the pun). I think that pitting Freddy against Jason is a perfectly viable idea, even if it didn’t work in practice – what’s wrong with two imaginary worlds colliding? Fuck, I even thought Argento’s Mother Of Tears was a passable film.
But I draw the line at the fucking Twilight series. And no, it’s not a fucking saga.
It’s vampire-lite for teenage girls and it’s making a mockery of one of the finest horror creations of all time. Take a time-honoured terror, one firmly rooted in all sorts of traditions and folklore, one which has spanned epochs, continents and cultures, wrap it up in cheesey teen dialogue, mix in a smattering of romance and you make Paul angry.
But I get the last laugh…
You see flatmate Kelsey has a thing for the gay vampire series but she’s all too aware of how shit it is and therefore gets somewhat embarassed when I take great pleasure in riling her about it. “Gay vampires!” I’ll say. “Fuck off Paul” she’ll say. We have such fun.
This morning I returned from the gym to hear movie sounds emanating from the living room. No sooner had I bent down to take my shoes off than I hear Kelsey’s ashamed “Yeah it’s gay vampires, shut up!”. Haha, didn’t have to say a word and she’s already on the defensive. So I had a quick shower, got my shit together and prepared to head out for lunch, briefly popping my head around the corner to say goodbye. I wasn’t prepared for what awaited me on the screen.
Yes I call Twilight the gay vampire series. No, it’s not based on anything besides my own prejudices against this desecration of one of my favourite legends. So imagine my delight when I see before me two exceptionally buff, handsome young men, standing a hair’s breadth apart from each other outside a log cabin (seriously, a frickin’ log cabin) and sporting the biggest shit-eating grins you can imagine. And cue a groan from Kelsey, a noise that could only mean “You couldn’t possibly have walked in at a worse time”.
Vindication is mine. The gay vampire series is truly and irrevocably gay. Gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. Gayer than a unicorn’s diary.
Horror 1 – Twilight 0