Okay, I admit it. There was a certain sense of schadenfreude involved every time I read about the record-breaking winter freezes back in Europe a few months ago. I’d kick back, lie on the beach and read countless Facebook updates complaining about burst pipes, cars not starting and digits falling off one by one – and I’d crack a smile. Harsh, I know, but it’s difficult to empathise with the plight of those back in Scotia when I’m kicking back in paradise.

Well my uppance has finally come. And bit me in the arse.

It’s hot here. Good god, is it hot. For the past two and a half months we’ve been languishing in what’s known as the ‘hot hot’ season. For the uninitiated, Thailand has three seasons. There’s the hot, when it’s, well, hot. There’s the wet which pretty much speaks for itself. And there’s the hot hot. If you don’t know what the hot hot is like, try to think back to the last time you slow-roasted a joint of pork for Sunday lunch. Then imagine that you are that joint of pork. And you’ve been in that oven for twelve weeks.

Fuck. Me.

It’s been 42 degrees during the day, even in shade. Em and I went for breakfast at our usual rice soup shack the other day and I was sweating buckets before the meal even arrived. In the shade. At eight in the a.m. Seriously. Evenings are no picnic either – I don’t have a thermometer but I’ve been reliably informed that some nights the mercury’s remained hovering around the 35 mark. This is Celsius we’re talking, not the archaic American measurements.

Every now and again we’ll get a little rain and you have no idea how joyous an occasion that is. Rain is the one and only thing which affects the temperature in any kind of positive way, after a storm you’ll get a 10 or 15 degree drop for a few hours, maybe even a day if you’re lucky. These showers are few and far between though, it’s been dry for two weeks now. Horribly we get treated to a phenomenon known as heat lightning in the evenings as well – flashes of lightning close by which fool you into thinking a life-saving downpour is imminent but which is actually caused by the hot, dry conditions in the atmosphere and is basically the weather going “Bwahahahaha, fooled ya, I’m still FUCKING HOT!!!!”

Apparently we’re going to enter the wet season soon. This can potentially mean months of torrential monsoon weather, streets turning into raging, frothing rivers, belongings being washed away, all that jazz. My only response to this is  – “When?” Bring it on. This temperature cannot continue. This aggression will not stand!

So if you’re back in the UK, Berlin, Canada or anywhere else which got blasted this winter and if I pissed you off with tales of never-ending sunshine, then the joke’s on me. Feel free to send a package of mocking laughter to Thailand…

And now here’s Martha & The Vandellas to play us out…

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