The Thai-light Zone – Episode 4

Hope yesterday’s frightfest didn’t have you running for  your mummy! Sorry, the depravity of the past few days of stories has left my sense of humour shrivelled up to a husk. A tiny zombie husk. It just limps around in my skull, moaning and occasionally banging into walls, not unlike the students responsible for the entertainment we’re currently enjoying.

Tonight’s treat is served up by Jane, who has  opted for the more traditional ghost story, albeit one with a curiously enigmatic ending. Hang onto your hats ny friends, it’s going to be a bumpy ride as we ascend…

The Ghost Mountain

Once upon a time there was a boy. The boy had a house behind the mountain. It was a bold mountain. He lived with his brother. He never knowed about this mountain. But his brother knowed everything about this. He asked his brother about ghost mountain.

This mountain had a boy died inside. Because the rock fall out of the mountain when he got some vegetables and got some animals. He died to supress. And body was separated.

The body was separated. So he died to scare the people for to know separately. And He approach to scare verey day.

___

Wow. That poor boy, all alone up the mountain. He  must have had a cold or something to have been unable to smell what The Rock was cooking. All he wanted was some food but instead he died – to supress! But to supress what, dear reader? Perhaps we’ll never know.

And that’s only one of the mysteries of ghost mountain. He also died ‘to scare the people to know separately’, indicating some psychotic, Pol Pot-like fear of collective knowledge, possibly induced by traumatic experiences in the hereafter. I could puzzle over this one sentence for days, nay weeks. And what of the capitalised ‘He’ in the final sentence – could it be that God himself has joined this wretched child in his reign of terror?

Okay, I’ll stop here – there’s already enough to keep you up till the small hours, poring over your books of philosophy and straining to glean some inside into the warped machinations of Jane’s brain. It’s certainly been enough for me to cast doubt on all that I thought I knew, all those fundamental assumptions and axioms I held dear.

But for now it’s farewell until next time. I’ll see you tomorrow, I hope, for our final descent into the well of woes that is…

THE THAI-LIGHT ZONE!!!

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 3

Did you manage to get any sleep after yesterday’s installment? See any shadows on the wall, hear any wailing and gnashing of teeth? Well at least in that little episode there was no bloodshed, no-one was hurt and we had a relatively happy ending – a safe one at any rate. Not so tonight, far from it…

Tonight we venture into the darkest reaches of Team’s psyche, all the way to the end of the world. Well, not the whole world but certainly the world as we know it. Steel your nerves and prepare for the darkness, the dread that is…

Mummy Monster

Last five thousand years. It had many mummies in the world. The mummy could kill the humen. And then in the world. It had 5 heroes and 5 millions mummies. Heroes were magic. They could use many skill magic.

Heroes met mummies and fight very long times. Heroes were tired. They could kill 3 million mommies. Heroes met the master mommy.

The master mommy was a very strong body. He could kill heroes. And the world didn’t has human. They had only mummies.

—–

Words fail me on this one. I’m normally a fan of apocalyptic fiction, I Am Legend, Lucifer’s Hammer and all that jazz, but this one gave me the cold sweats for a week. “They had only mummies” – has there ever been a more chilling end to a tale? It’s up their with the literary masters, that’s for sure. Anyway by now I’m sure your pulse is pounding, your heart straining to deliver that now ice-cold blood to your trembling fingertips, so I’ll bid you adieu until tomorrow for our penultimate platter of bone-jarring thrills and pant-wetting spills. Sweet dreams…

Gay vampires

I am a horror fan.

Simple enough sentence, hardly shocking or mind-blowing in this day and age, but being a true fan of a genre ranging from the sublimely ridiculous to the utterly and irredeemably depraved brings with it a certain mindset. Not just a way of thinking in general but also a certain pride, a sense of ownership over your prized movies and literature, an obligation to protect that which you hold sacred.

I can be fairly easy with the rules to be honest. I don’t mind zombies that can run, I just see it as an interesting twist on a sub-genre that risked becoming a tad stale (pardon the pun). I think that pitting Freddy against Jason is a perfectly viable idea, even if it didn’t work in practice – what’s wrong with two imaginary worlds colliding? Fuck, I even thought Argento’s Mother Of Tears was a passable film.

But I draw the line at the fucking Twilight series. And no, it’s not a fucking saga.

It’s vampire-lite for teenage girls and it’s making a mockery of one of the finest horror creations of all time. Take a time-honoured terror, one firmly rooted in all sorts of traditions and folklore, one which has spanned epochs, continents and cultures, wrap it up in cheesey teen dialogue, mix in a smattering of romance and you make Paul angry.

But I get the last laugh…

You see flatmate Kelsey has a thing for the gay vampire series but she’s all too aware of how shit it is and therefore gets somewhat embarassed when I take great pleasure in riling her about it. “Gay vampires!” I’ll say. “Fuck off Paul” she’ll say. We have such fun.

This morning I returned from the gym to hear movie sounds emanating from the living room. No sooner had I bent down to take my shoes off than I hear Kelsey’s ashamed “Yeah it’s gay vampires, shut up!”. Haha, didn’t have to say a word and she’s already on the defensive. So I had a quick shower, got my shit together and prepared to head out for lunch, briefly popping my head around the corner to say goodbye. I wasn’t prepared for what awaited me on the screen.

Yes I call Twilight the gay vampire series. No, it’s not based on anything besides my own prejudices against this desecration of one of my favourite legends. So imagine my delight when I see before me two exceptionally buff, handsome young men, standing a hair’s breadth apart from each other outside a log cabin (seriously, a frickin’ log cabin) and sporting the biggest shit-eating grins you can imagine. And cue a groan from Kelsey, a noise that could only mean “You couldn’t possibly have walked in at a worse time”.

Vindication is mine. The gay vampire series is truly and irrevocably gay. Gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. Gayer than a unicorn’s diary.

Horror 1 – Twilight 0