Chinese Diary (中文日记) Part 1

Since one of my New Years’s resolutions is to learn to read and write 1,500 Chinese characters I’ve been thinking of ways to get some practice. This is one such idea. Each week Wendy (安欣), my Chinese tutor, has me write a diary in ZhuYin, the Taiwanese phonetic alphabet, to practice my new vocabulary. Given that I’m just a beginner it’s hardly Samuel Pepys but it’s enough to try some new grammar and the like. However, the fact that it’s in ZhuYin (or BoPoMoFo) means that I don’t actually write the characters so I hit upon an idea – type my ZhuYin into a Google Translate box and I can get rough guesses for all the characters I don’t already recognise (i.e. the overwhelming majority of them).

This is the result. I’m hoping that I can use this exercise to a) get quicker at using ZhuYin input on my computer, b) speed the process of character recognition and c) get some constructive criticism from friends and corrections from Wendy. The first batch is from the first week of the year when I was hideously ill with pneumonia. Future updates will not be in chronological order, they will be posted at haphazard intervals and they will mostly consist of shoddy Chinese. For my non-Chinese speaking buddies around the world – just run it through Google Translate and trust me when I say it actually makes sense…

Oh, and thanks to Bear (熊熊), 我的女朋友, for her help and patience with correcting this

1/1 – 我下午兩點去呼嚕咖啡，可是我覺得我感冒了。我七點和熊熊一起去日本餐廳吃晚餐。好吃！因爲我生病了，所以我九點就回家了。

2/1 – 因爲安欣去了韓國和她的男朋友碰面，所以我不用上課。我還在生病所以我早一點十一點鐘就去補習班，再去看醫生。他告訴我「你一定要去醫院！」。所以我去了醫院。醫生跟我說我有肺炎，好可怕！我回家，吃很多的藥。我很悽慘。

3/1 因爲我生病，所以不用上課。我應該要休息但是我還是去了默契咖啡，喝普洱茶。很好喝！我寫了三個小時的中文字。

4/1 我還是在生病。我早上去呼嚕咖啡一下子就回家了。我晚上看很多的電視。

5/1 下午熊熊來我家。她媽媽幫我煮的湯麵，真的好吃！雖然我生病，但是這讓我很開心。

6/1 我今天身體覺得有點糟所以我和我的老闆的妹婿去醫院。醫生給我很多的新藥。

7/1 我下午去默契咖啡，喝普洱茶和學中文字。晚上熊熊來我家。我們吃晚餐，看「Real Steel」然後上英文課！我們兩點左右睡覺。

8/1 我好了，可是我的聽力還是不好。中午我去默契咖啡寫作業。我好多了！

P.S. I know that this is a very short entry. Most will be even shorter as this takes me an insane amount of time to do

Maw

Four days snowed in, stuck in this house. She hovers over me as I attempt to read and enjoy the peace of my enforced pseudo-holiday.

“Would you like a coffee?”
“No thanks, I’m good.”
“What about a tea?”
“Naw, ah’m fine.”
“Maybe a glass of juice.”
“Nah Maw, ah’m awright the noo, ah ken whaur a’hin is.”
“Okay, well just help yourself.”
“Aye, cheers, ah’ll dae that.”
“Are you sure you don’t want a coffee? What about a wine?”
[Breathe in, hold it, breathe out]
“Naw Maw, ah’m fine.”
“Well there’s wine on the counter, beer in the fridge and whiskey in the cupboard.”
“Mither – it’s no’ even four. Ah just want tae read fur a bit.”
“Oh, okay, well just help yourself when you get thirsty.”
“Aye, cheers.”

She turns as if to leave the room, drifts almost out of my peripheral vision, then at the last minute pivots and…

“Would you like a biscuit?”
“Maw, ah’m eatin’ a banana. Ye kin see it in ma haund.”
“Yes, but it’s not much, is it?”
“Ye’ve a’ready goat dinner oan. It’ll no be an hour til wur eatin’. Ah’ve a’ready telt ye ah dinnae eat much these days, least no’ when ah’m no at the gym.”
“Oh yes, you’re right. Wouldn’t want to spoil it.”

Hover, hover, hover. I know it’s coming, I can hear the gears churning away up there.

“There are crisps in the cupboard you know.”
“Mither. Ah’m fine. Seriously. Ah’m guid.”
“Are you sure?”
“Aye. Ah’m. Sure.”
[Sweet mother of christ, I'm related to Mrs Doyle...]
“You’ll not have a coffee?”
“NAW! Ah dinnae want a coffee or a juice or a beer or a water! Ah’m no’ thirsty or hungry! Ah’ve finished ma banana an’ ah kin wait fur dinner! Ah ken whaur a’hing is, ye’ve bin tellin’ me tae help masel’ fur the past fowr days an’ that’s whit ah’ve bin daein’! When ah want some’hin’ ah gan an’ git it! Like ye keep tellin’ me tae dae again an’ again! Ah’m tired! Ah’m cauld! Ah’m upset cause mah relationship’s finally buggered fer guid! Ah’ve had three interviews an’ ah’m stil applyin’ fer mair joabs! An’ right noo, all ah want tae dae is just read ma book! Just fer five minutes if that’s awright!!!”

Oops. Silence, let’s say fifteen seconds.

“Oh. Right. Well just so you know, we’ve got Hob-Nobs in the cupboard.”
“Naw! Ah dinnae wa… Wait… Plain or chocolate?”
“Chocolate of course.”

“Awright, gonnae get us wan then. Jist wan, mind…”

* Not an entirely true story. Not verbatim anyway. You’d be amazed how close though…

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 5

And here it is, the grand finale of our week-long journey to the deepest, darkest recesses of the (in)human imagination, and hasn’t it been quite the rollercoaster ride? We’ve dealt with monsters, mummies, ghosts and even – gasp – a shadow! But we’ve all come out the other side safely, sanity intact and even some fragments of fingernails remaining unchewed. Or have we…?

For tonight we take our most terrifying trip yet. In the best tradition of saving the best for last I’ve lined up a final foray into fear so macabre, so menacing that the majority of you will probably run screaming from your monitors before the end. And this time it’s not just because of the grammar! No, this time I’ve unleashed the satanic cerebellum of Pair, a student destined for literary fame if she can only escape the devilish demons haunting her mind.

It’s time to take a dive into the…

Ghost Pond

No… No! I’m not meaning a swimming pool. I mean a *pond*. That… That! In this  school have only one pond. This pond is behind the school. Nobody want to go over there. Why? Because a ghost pond! Some boys want to know about this new and poke to look in a pond. Some of them said I saw long hair of a woman floated on the water or saw a little girl in the student uniform tried to climb out of a pond. “Are you scary?” But some stories are not the truth. My older sister said this story start from…

A little girl played beside this pond but she falled down her wallet… So she poke her face and saw her wallet float on the water. She try to use a rope but it was very short. She must use her body like a rope. Her weight was fat. Oh no! The rope was lack! She falled down to the pond. Nobody know she was die. Her body was rotten and very reek!!! Until now…

Once day a boy, hear this news, and he want to take a ghost photo. After school he took his camare with his body. “I feel hot so much” he said, but he forgot in the moment! He walked to an old pond. So he poke his face and shout! He saw a women face. She was laughing and smiling to him. She pulled his arm but he took camera and took a picture of it.

After everything was quiet and *pond* – ghost still in there… FOREVER!!!

____

That… That! Yes, that was truly the finest, most flesh-crawling, spine-tingling slice of classic Asian horror I’ve had in a long time. Drowning girls, curious boys, smiling faces, it had it all. And if you don’t believe it, just take a close look in the next pond (or perhaps well) that you come across. Poke your face and peer deep inside. Just don’t come crying to me when something happens…

And that’s your lot. Yes I know it’s hard to believe but our time here has come to an end. You must return to your mediocre everyday existence and try with all your might to pretend nothing has happened. Me, I’ll get back to my usual routine of hiding in your cupboard and spying on you while you sleep. If you hear a rustling sound  in the night don’t worry, it’s just me opening a Kit-Kat. Or it might be a mummy, or a ghost, or Dark Dimond, who knows?

Just pray that when you wake up you’re still safe and sound in your bed and not suddenly transported to…

THE THAI-LIGHT ZONE!!!

No… No! I’m not meaning a swimming pool. I mean a *pond*. That… That! In this  school have only one pond. This pond is behind the school. Nobody want to go over there. Why? Because a ghost pond! Some boys want to know about this new and poke to look in a pond. Some of them said I saw long hair of a woman floated on the water or saw a little girl in the student uniform tried to climb out of a pond. “Are you scary?” But some stories are not the truth. My older sister said this story start from…
A little girl played beside this pond but she falled down her wallet… So she poke her face and saw her wallet float on the water. She try to use a rope but it was very short. She must use her body like a rope. Her weight was fat. Oh no! The rope was lack! She falled down to the pond. Nobody know she was die. Her body was rotten and very reek!!! Until now…
Once day a boy, hear this news, and he want to take a ghost photo. After school he toook his camare with his body. “I feel hot so much” he said, but he forgot in the moment! He walked to an old pond. So he poke his face and shout! He saw a women face. She was laughing and smiling to him. She pulled his arm but he took camera and took a picture of it.
AAfter everything was quiet and *pond* – ghost still in there… FOREVER!!!

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 4

Hope yesterday’s frightfest didn’t have you running for  your mummy! Sorry, the depravity of the past few days of stories has left my sense of humour shrivelled up to a husk. A tiny zombie husk. It just limps around in my skull, moaning and occasionally banging into walls, not unlike the students responsible for the entertainment we’re currently enjoying.

Tonight’s treat is served up by Jane, who has  opted for the more traditional ghost story, albeit one with a curiously enigmatic ending. Hang onto your hats ny friends, it’s going to be a bumpy ride as we ascend…

The Ghost Mountain

Once upon a time there was a boy. The boy had a house behind the mountain. It was a bold mountain. He lived with his brother. He never knowed about this mountain. But his brother knowed everything about this. He asked his brother about ghost mountain.

This mountain had a boy died inside. Because the rock fall out of the mountain when he got some vegetables and got some animals. He died to supress. And body was separated.

The body was separated. So he died to scare the people for to know separately. And He approach to scare verey day.

___

Wow. That poor boy, all alone up the mountain. He  must have had a cold or something to have been unable to smell what The Rock was cooking. All he wanted was some food but instead he died – to supress! But to supress what, dear reader? Perhaps we’ll never know.

And that’s only one of the mysteries of ghost mountain. He also died ‘to scare the people to know separately’, indicating some psychotic, Pol Pot-like fear of collective knowledge, possibly induced by traumatic experiences in the hereafter. I could puzzle over this one sentence for days, nay weeks. And what of the capitalised ‘He’ in the final sentence – could it be that God himself has joined this wretched child in his reign of terror?

Okay, I’ll stop here – there’s already enough to keep you up till the small hours, poring over your books of philosophy and straining to glean some inside into the warped machinations of Jane’s brain. It’s certainly been enough for me to cast doubt on all that I thought I knew, all those fundamental assumptions and axioms I held dear.

But for now it’s farewell until next time. I’ll see you tomorrow, I hope, for our final descent into the well of woes that is…

THE THAI-LIGHT ZONE!!!

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 3

Did you manage to get any sleep after yesterday’s installment? See any shadows on the wall, hear any wailing and gnashing of teeth? Well at least in that little episode there was no bloodshed, no-one was hurt and we had a relatively happy ending – a safe one at any rate. Not so tonight, far from it…

Tonight we venture into the darkest reaches of Team’s psyche, all the way to the end of the world. Well, not the whole world but certainly the world as we know it. Steel your nerves and prepare for the darkness, the dread that is…

Mummy Monster

Last five thousand years. It had many mummies in the world. The mummy could kill the humen. And then in the world. It had 5 heroes and 5 millions mummies. Heroes were magic. They could use many skill magic.

Heroes met mummies and fight very long times. Heroes were tired. They could kill 3 million mommies. Heroes met the master mommy.

The master mommy was a very strong body. He could kill heroes. And the world didn’t has human. They had only mummies.

—–

Words fail me on this one. I’m normally a fan of apocalyptic fiction, I Am Legend, Lucifer’s Hammer and all that jazz, but this one gave me the cold sweats for a week. “They had only mummies” – has there ever been a more chilling end to a tale? It’s up their with the literary masters, that’s for sure. Anyway by now I’m sure your pulse is pounding, your heart straining to deliver that now ice-cold blood to your trembling fingertips, so I’ll bid you adieu until tomorrow for our penultimate platter of bone-jarring thrills and pant-wetting spills. Sweet dreams…

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 2

So, you’re back for more huh? The epic saga of Joe’s struggle against the volcano Dark Dimond wasn’t enough for you? Well prepare yourselves, because I have at my fingertips a tale of tantalising terror so twisted you’ll be going to sleep with the lights on for months afterwards. From the dark and haunted imagination of the one and only Nan comes a nightmare you’d swear was penned by Beelzebub himself. Strap yourselves in and get ready for…

The Girl Saw Shadow

In market had emtry home. Later a fimily to determined bought this home for to lived and opened the shop. This fimily had father, mother, daughter and son.

In the morning, This fimily opened shop. that night. Father and mother sletp in one room and daughter and son sletp in other room. Everybody in house are slept but daughter was sleptless because of her brother snored too loud so she looked at the window suddenly she heared the women cried. She many shocked and found the source of women voice. When she looked at the walls she saw women shadow.

In the morning she told a story that happened to her father and mother. They are either not believed her.

My word, I’m almost fainting from shock just typing that. The build-up of tension is so rapid and so extreme that you barely have time to breathe before BLAM!, you’re hit square between the eyes by that climax. As I’m sure, at some point, an actress said to a bishop. And those parents? Not believing their child in such a time of peril? They’re monsters, utter monsters.

And speaking of monsters, do I ever have a treat in store for you tomorrow. We’ll be continuing this procession of paranormal prose with a more bitter delight, in which the fiends might just have the upper hand. I’ll see then for another inconceivable installment of…

THE THAI-LIGHT ZONE!!!

The Thai-light Zone – Episode 1

I really should have saved this for Hallowe’en but I just couldn’t wait for this series of posts. Last week I had my high school kids try their hands at completely unguided creative writing. The only instruction they received was a short brainstorming session on genres of fiction, which in itself was highly amusing:

“Okay, what kids of stories can we have?”
“Erm, funny?”
“Excellent, we call that ‘comedy’!”
“Horror?”
“Well done, that’s my favourite”
“Erotic?”
“Errrrrrrrm, we’ll maybe leave that for now…”

Anyway the class was hit and miss, some students churning out epics and some barely writing a word. I managed to scan through them and saved some of the horror stories (mistakes, illustrations and all) for this very purpose, a five-day festival of frights and chills, tales which will make your flesh creep and set your teeth on edge. Are you ready for a journey through a world where nothing is as it seems, where demons, vampires and mangled tenses lurk round every corner? Do you, gentle reader, have the stomach for the ghosts, the goblins and the utter disregard  for personal pronouns? If so then follow me to…

The Thai-light Zone!

Our first tale is the heart-stopping story of a young boy and his revenge against the monster which killed his parents. From the pen of Yai I give you:

Joe and dark Dimond

There is one boy. He name is Joe. His parent were killed by the monster 3 year ago. It name is Dark Dimond. Dark Dimond is the king of all monster in the world. Joe sent his e-mail to Dark Dimond. In the e-mail Joe said “Dark Dimond if you don’t scar me you will came to my farm”.

One month later Dark Dimond is came to the farm. Dark Dimond and Joe fought in the farm. Joe kicked Dark Dimond stomush. Dark Dimond  punched Joe face. Joe did a flying kick to Dark Dimond. And than Dark Dimond is died.

All the monsters died when their king died. And the world was very peaceful later. THE END!!!

The end indeed. Looks like Joe triumphed over the monsters and got his revenge. But it’s not the end of our series, oh no. Tune in tomorrow for another terrifying, blood-curdling, bone-chilling episode of…

THE THAI-LIGHT ZONE!

25 Things a.k.a. blogging for the lazy

Today I was hoping to write a post about how thrilling it was to be running again after too long a break but unfortunately last night’s gym expedition didn’t quite go to plan. It wasn’t an utter failure mind, before my weights I warmed up for five minutes on the treadmill and the toe was absolutely fine, I actually caught myself grinning like a loon when I glanced in the mirror. However after an hour of pumping iron it had been stressed enough that when I returned to try a 5k run I had to quit after a couple of minutes. It’s not the end of the world, I now know that come Saturday/Sunday I should easily manage a half-decent run as long as I don’t do anything else beforehand, meaning the half marathon is still a possibility.

So what to write now? Hmm… Well my pal Andy tagged me on Facebook with the hideous ’25 things about me’ meme and I only just got around to sending it back to him so I may as well reproduce it here.  Yes, it’s lazy but hey, I’ve posted a hell of a lot for someone new to the whole blog thing. Time to kick back and relax. If anyone wants to pick this up and run with it on their blog please let me know in the comments so I can come and have a peek…

1. I just got a new tattoo and it rocks the casbah – several more on the way…
2. Since I started to get healthier, lost the beergut/moobs and developed something resembling muscles I’ve also become a bit vain. Fuck it, I’m allowed
3. I’ve got about 10 “Teach Yourself …” language packs on my hard drive but still only speak English
4. I’m a tad OCD when it comes to light switches. I often automatically flick them on leaving or entering a room regardless of the current state of the light to the annoyance of others in said room
5. I can’t seem to make it through films anymore unless it’s in the cinema or on Jon’s blu-ray projector – must be early-onset Alzheimer’s. Either that or all films are crap now
6. Whey protein powder makes me fart like a mofo. I think it’s the lactose, or maybe my ass muscles are growing and becoming overactive (and possibly sentient)
7. The support of my friends in the closing months of last year and up to the present almost moves me to tears
8. I’d have my motorbike license and probably a bike by now if it wasn’t for the Thailand plan eating away at my cash
9. I’ve managed to get some kind of injury every time I’ve seen Suicidal Tendencies in the past five years and I’m proud of it – it’s like ritual scarification for me
10. I’m very upset at the prospect of slowly losing my hair over the coming years
11. Procrastination rules my life, seriously and to an almost crippling extent
12. I find it incredibly difficult to write 25 things about me
13. Emigrating to NZ in the not too distant future is on the cards but I dunno, I kinda like Scotland and particularly certain of the people who live here
14. I WILL have a new career within a couple of years at the most. Teaching is most likely at the moment but I’m still thinking…
15. Sometimes I really wish I’d stuck with drums instead of moving to guitar. Then again I’d never have joined Doolah/Bulb/Kiltreiser otherwise so it all worked out for the best…
16. If I could sit and have a few pints and a chinwag with anyone in the world it’d probably be Henry Rollins. But he doesn’t drink so it’ll never happen
17. I really want to start writing short fiction but the thought of anyone I know reading my stuff fills me with dread
18. Despite being ditched I still worry more about my ex’s welfare than pretty much anything else in the world – much to the bemusement and consternation of friends
19. There’s a very good chance I have eaten human flesh. A fair old amount of it, and not mine either. See the Kiltreiser song ‘Eat Flesh’ for details (my write a detailed post about it some time)
20. My biggest regret is leaving Australia when I did. Stupid, stupid, stupid
21. I’m glad I left Australia when I did, otherwise I’d not be where I am today
22. I’ve not smoked or bitten any of my nails so far this year, three cheers for my late discovery of willpower
23. I actually don’t miss drinking. Had a beer on three occasions since Hogmanay and only actually got drunk once; it was a bit meh. I miss the taste of good ales though, particularly Brew Dog and Black Isle beers
24. I do miss hallucinogens. It might be mushroom time later this year…
25. Sometimes – very rarely but sometimes – I hide in your cupboard and watch you while you sleep

Wordle

Quick post here, found a distracting little gizmo via Bad Astronomy called Wordle which basically pulls the text out of your blog (or anyone else’s, or a block of text you manually enter) and creates a rather funky design based on the prominence of the words therein. You can tinker with it a fair bit, changing fonts, colours, orientation, all sorts of things. It’s a Java applet to it can be a pain to take screengrabs using certain tools but it’s worth ten minutes of arsing around. Here’s a wee example of what it found in mine…

Digital Evolution – Rise Of The Spambots

My, what an action-packed Saturday! Woke up at  dawn’s hairy crack all prepared to go for an epic cycle but then looked out the window. Snow. Fuck that. Headed to the gym to get stuck into the weight machines for the first time on over a week and sweated some on the exercise bikes. Got home, had lunch, got bored so headed out for said epic cycle now that the weather was somewhat more forgiving. On the way had a tattoo designed and an appointment made – more on that tomorrow. Caught some rugby on my return and then headed out for a most interesting evening.

Ken MacLeod had posted about an event hosted by The Skinny and the Genomics Forum entitled Digital Evolution, a discussion about evolution and computer games, where the two meet and what we can learn from it. Admittedly I was skeptical at first as I didn’t think that games to date had been too successful in implementing any evolutionary concepts. The problem, as someone mentioned at the event, is that games require an agent, someone to play them, and the whole point of evolution is that no agent is required, it just happens.

Never mind though, it was an evening of very insightful comments and discussion and one major thread in particular piqued my interest. Much mention was made of the possibility of viruses or spambots mutating and evolving, the better to evade the filters and firewalls we create to thwart them. If we accept that they could possibly mutate in such a way, what would be the result. As Charles Stross pointed out, your typical spam filter’s job is to analyse emails to detect whether or not they originated from an actual human being, whether they represent genuine communication or just spam. In essence they are carrying out a Turing Test on all emails passed through them.

It doesn’t take too much of a leap of logic to arrive at the exceedingly uncomfortable (but nonetheless cool) conclusion that the first genuine piece of full-fledged AI we encounter may have originated from spam. A sobering thought, no?

What if we take this further and postulate that similar things may happen with viruses, that they depart from their point of origin and randomly mutate, with successful mutations breeding more copies and spreading further? Again, evolution. And what if we released anti-viral programs onto the net to track down these viruses and shut them down by any means necessary? And what if, through their rapid and varied mutations and arms races these programs became sentient, able to actually think for themselves in carrying out their missions  (i.e. infect/reproduce vs. destroy)?

And what if (last one…) our anti-viruses decided that the only way to stamp out their foe for good was to permanently shut down every electronic system they could…

Hmm, sounds like the bones of a wee story  there. It’s kind of obvious so someone probably beat me to the punch but I’m a beginner at this writing malarkey so I’m allowed. Watch this space…