Shit my boss says (3)

Working in a private cram school you soon become accustomed to the fact that you don’t work for a ‘school’ in any normal sense of the word. No, you work for a money-making machine whose product is small pieces of paper which apparently serve the purpose of assuring parents that their special little angel isn’t a complete fuckwit. Student enrolment is the fuel for this machine so education unashamedly takes a back seat to class numbers and any student leaving classes is an instant black mark against the teacher.

In Taiwan there exists a certain disconnect with reality which affects many of the population (my own personal hypothesis is that people are taught nothing vaguely resembling critical thinking or independent learning, but that’s another post for another blog) and this manifest itself in my school as the boss’s tendency to lay the blame for any student departure squarely on the shoulders of the teacher. This happens regardless of the actual reason and he will lie to your face about said reason if the real one doesn’t suit his purposes. (Incidentally, lying is integral to Taiwanese and Chinese culture, used to ‘save face’. Unfortunate, as nothing will cause someone to lose face faster in my eyes than lying to me.) His purpose in doing this is unclear but the current best guesses among my coworkers are 1) a belief that stress and low self-esteem will make us happier, more productive workers and 2) the fact that he’s utterly unqualified to run a business.

Why do we say unqualified? After all, none of us have run our own businesses so who are we to talk? Well, one of the basic facts of business, any business, is that over time you will lose customers and that in many cases there will be absolutely nothing you can do about this. It happens, businesses deal with it. The key is attracting new customers to fill the gap (and then some) to ensure a steady flow of income. My boss has failed to grasp this fundamental law and seems to assume (probably thanks to his astrologer) that new students will just come to him – he has built it, they will come. Of course any attempt to ask him about his efforts to attract new students are met with “Erm, well…” *mops brow* “tough market…” *mops brow* “thinking of something…” *exits room*

So anyway, here are some of the reasons for student departures as given by my boss first, then the real reasons gleaned from my teaching assistants. Yup, all my fault. I am a poor teacher.

Dora and Tammy (twins) – Boss: “We don’t know, they’re not coming back. This is not good.” TA Melissa: “They’ve gone on a long summer holiday to America. They might be back after.” Fault: mine.

Joe – Boss: “He just said he’s not coming back. We don’t know why. If the class was good he would have stayed.” TA Christy: “He’s moved to DaJia (35km away), it’s too far to drive every day.” Fault: mine.

Shinny – Boss: “She says the class is too easy for her” (NB: she consistently finishes middle of the class in scores) TA Christy: “She’s moved to another school because it was cheaper” (NB: my school is one of the most expensive in the business, and incidentally pays almost the lowest wages) Fault: mine

Dora – Boss: “She doesn’t want to come back, she must not like the class” (NB: Dora was one of my favourite students because she always enjoyed the classes and even made her parents let her come when she was ill) TA Steven: “She thinks there is too much homework, it’s too much stress. She might come back and join one of your low level classes” (NB: homework is set by the school, it is entirely out of my hands) Fault: mine.

Here’s my favourite though. Benson, a very bright yet insolent and loud student, left  out of the blue. I’d been working to get him calm down since arriving in Taiwan and it was finally working, we’d established some level of mutual respect and he was in the middle of a huge breakthrough. On the final day of his most recent course, when parents come to the class and certificates are handed out, he committed the heinous crime of putting his first place certificate in his bag while my boss was addressing the class. He was bawled and screamed at for a good two minutes, to the extent that the other students, my TA and myself were all clearly uncomfortable. It was a totally unwarranted and disproportionate display. The following day I was informed that Benson would not be returning for the next course.

Boss: “I don’t know. It is very sad”
Benson, on meeting him by chance in a supermarket near the school two weeks after this incident: “Eric is an idiot. He shouldn’t have shouted at me like that. If he had asked me to stop and listen I would have done it, I just wanted to put the prize away, and he always tells us to put our things away. I’m at another school now.”
Fault: mine.

That’s a taster of what we have to deal with on a daily basis over here. Sorry for the rantage but recently things have been getting pretty damned stressful and some venting was necessarily. I promise the next post will be about kittens or some such…

Shit my students say (2)

Tony.

I could write a whole blog about Tony. In this culture where ‘saving face’ is so important it can be seen as embarrassing to admit that perhaps your child has special needs. As a result all manner of kids get thrown to the mercy of the general public and private school populations and us teachers, almost none of whom have any training for dealing with these kids, are left to cope as best we can. This can be by turns infuriating, depressing and tiring but with Tony it’s all gravy.

He arrived in one of my classes a few months ago and at first we had no idea what to do with him. His grasp of English was great for his English but trying to give him the simplest instructions to get involved with our games was like teaching hopscotch to a particularly obstinate brick. After some time and perseverance (and convincing the class that there’s the rules and then there’s the Tony rules) he’s been adopted by his classmates as something of a mascot, both them and I becoming rather protective of him. Constantly smiling, eyes always wide with wonder and prone to occasionally grabbing his crotch like Michael Jackson, he’s our sustenance whenever lessons get difficult or dull.

It’s his random outbursts which grant me most succour though. Fleeting snatches of poetry, profundity or deeply disturbed imagery which would have HP Lovecraft edging towards the door. Sometimes it’s a simple team name like “Listen to the bees. They are smiling and they say ‘We like honey’.” as opposed to the usual “Rabbit” or “Car”. Sometimes it’s the unexpected answers to questions such as “Tony, what do you eat for breakfast?” “I cough up spider-juice cakes.” It’s the unprompted insanity which makes my day though, yesterday being a case in point.

The scene was set thus – a series of food flashcards on the board, above each a simple drawing to prompt the kids for the pronoun required. A stick figure man for ‘he’, a woman for ‘she’, a  pair for ‘they’ and for ‘it’ I decided to do a monster. All hairy, big teeth, frowning eyes, they love that kind of thing. No sooner was the sketch completed than the class start excitedly shouting “Haha, monster, it!” and laughing, my intended reaction.

And there it is, Tony’s unmistakable voice behind me, utterly earnest and deadpan, unleashing the inner workings of his cerebrum. “Because god is a monster too. Very scary and he is angry. Do not look at him.” Followed in a hoarse whisper by “I did not say anything.”

Ho. Lee. Fuck.

Was he stringing random thoughts together? Is he the captive of some bizarre cult? Or is he just smart enough to have figured out that if a god were to actually exist it would have to be one seriously twisted motherfucker in order to come up with the world we find ourselves in? My money’s on the first option but I’m still hoping it’s the last

There will doubtless be more from Tony to follow, stay tuned…

Shit my students say (1)

Nominally introduced as a source of levity to counter the depressing posts stemming from my boss’s insanity/inanity. This first entry is just a tad tear-inducing for me though. Test day yesterday for my CE14X class, a relatively easy one with an oral section which was a walk in the park. Correction – should have been a walk in the park.

Me – “How long have you been studying English?”
(Expected answer – “I have been studying English for x years/since x year”)
Leo – “I speak long spoke English is in 2 hours.”
Me – wailing and gnashing of teeth

I have failed.

Four months? Really?

Jings, crivvens and indeed help ma boab. With neither fanfare nor bombast it appears that yesterday marked four months of life and work in Taiwan. To say this surprises me is something of an understatement as I’m still barely settled and haven’t entirely managed to shake the fish-out-of-water feeling which vanished within my first week in Surat Thani. So, why the dragging feeling? Well the bad news is that there are many factors at play but the good news is that I’m getting on top of them and finally – I think – turning a corner.

First stumbling block has been my frankly appalling and embarrassing failure to tackle the language. I’ll raise my hand and admit that this comes down to nothing but laziness on my part. The fact is that Taichung is a largely westernised city and I’ve met foreigners who have been here for a number of years and still can’t order their food in Chinese. You simply don’t need to learn to get by and without either a carrot or a stick I’m not one for putting in the extra effort.

This admission (I only just realised it myself) annoys the hell out of me and the situation is going to change. I must be better than this. So far this weekend has seen me learn some Chinese characters (and revel in the joy of recognising some of them as I passed shop signs), obtain a copy of a well-reviewed Mandarin audiobook and contact a private tutor about possible weekend lessons. Many universities here offer classes but my summer school schedule rules that out until September at the earliest.

Which segues handily into my next stumbling block – the schedule. Now I’m not necessarily complaining here as my intent on coming Taiwan (aside from the main reason which is, sadly, no longer applicable) was to work as hard as possible and save money. With my current school I got my wish and my regular teaching hours are 27.5 per week with an additional 3 to 4.5 hours during July and August. Given the minimal amount of prep required the hours themselves aren’t a problem. However when you consider that my day starts at 13:40 and doesn’t end till 21:10 or 21:40 then you can see how it might get a bit draining.

The main consequence of this is the impact on social life, or the utter eradication thereof. By the time I get home, get a shower, cook some dinner and allow myself to unwind it’s already time for bed. Hell, even if I wanted to go out the city government has ordained that most bars in residential areas must close by 10:30 so I’d have time for a shot of whisky before heading back. As a result my social circle is much more restricted than it was in Surat, a town one-tenth the size of this place. I’ve met good people and the list is growing every week but I miss the close nature of Surat’s ex-pat community, the feeling of mutual support it engendered and the near guarantee that you’d bump into someone you knew every day.

The final hurdle has been the living situation. For the past four months I’ve been living under the radar in a gorgeous apartment right in the centre of town and directly opposite my gym – a huge bonus in my world. ‘Under the radar’ because my flatmate’s company managed the lease and were opposed to any non-employees sharing the property lest we exercise our natural pyromaniac tendencies, thus landing them in hot water with the landlord. She tried to negotiate on the situation but to no avail and last week the axe came down, time to ship out.

For a while I’d known this may happen and this back-of-the-mind knowledge prevented me from settling in. Nary a photo on the wall and my backpack always in sight it was hardly homely, more of a transient’s waystation (albeit a swanky one). Today saw me transfer my worldly belongings to pastures new, reasonably close by and none too shabby at all. The lack of air-con will take some getting used to but I got by in Thailand. However. the problem of settling remains – my new roomie may be moving on soon and there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to keep the lease on. This time I’m resolved to make it more of a home though – I’ve already bought some bits and bobs (and a bed), providing a steady psychological anchor to the place. When I get some time I’ll print some photos and do some decorating in my new room.

Now lest you think it’s all doom and gloom, remember all the posts about what I love in this country and city. This is by no means a whining post, just an assessment of the situation and a pondering of why it’s just not quite right in a few ways. The tea is still delicious, the classes are still fun and I’m slowly approaching the levels of fitness I had when I left Edinburgh almost two years ago. I’ve discovered a love of photography and my guitar playing seems to have almost recovered after years of being placed on the back burner.

This is a good place. I guess all I’ve done is point out to myself ways I can make it even better.

Everything is nothing…

Ask any ESL teacher what their least favourite student age group is and I’m fairly certain you’ll get the same reply – early teens, first half of high school. junior high, something along those lines. This is not without good reason.

Before that age they’re still brimming with enthusiasm, little Duracell bunnies racing around your classroom with massive smiles plastered all over their faces, arms flailing and laying waste to everything in their path. Okay, that may sound like hell to some people (including myself not even five years ago) but in the right frame of mind you’re suddenly transplanted straight back to childhood with them. It energises you, the language you’re teaching is easy enough that the lessons can be focused on activities and games so they don’t even realise they’re learning, and you can generally just goof around. When the fancy takes me I teach my younger classes in a variety of voices from The Stotts to Ian McKellen and they can’t get enough of it (even though they shout ‘Mickey Mouse teacher!’ for The Stotts). This is where the ‘rewarding’ part of teaching kicks in.

Late teens and adults are the flipside of the good teaching coin. Old enough to have lost those endless reserves of energy, the classes are more subdued and focused on the language itself. More advanced learners means more advanced English, something the teachers can get their teeth into as well, and I find myself constantly learning new titbits about my own native tongue through these sessions. More importantly though, they tend to be in your class because they want to be there, not because their parents are either keen for them to improve their grades or just fancy some expensive babysitting. They know why they’re there, they may well be paying for it themselves and as such you’re guaranteed their undivided attention.

Teenagers? Erm… not so much They’ve discovered moods, they’re too cool for school, their sleep patterns are all over the place, they know every teacher trick in the book, they hate work, they hate school and they hate you. They are, for want of a better word, twats. Moody, lethargic, apathetic twats to be precise.

However, if you enter such a class with suitably lowered expectations then small surprises can make your day. Take a simple review exercise on indefinite pronouns (somewhere, anything, everyone, etc) delivered this afternoon – I provide one such pronoun and two students must race to write a sentence containing it on the whiteboard. As they had covered the material the previous week and this was just a refresher I expected them to sleepwalk through it with their typically dull and uninspired creations: “Everything is nice”, “America is somewhere” and such like.

Imagine then my surprise when one of the first pair, Ken slouched up the front of the room, waved the marker in the most lackadaisical fashion imaginable and left the board with the simple and subtle, “No-one understands me.” Wow. This is from a kid who’s learning a new language – did you ever come out with something so profound in French class? And speaking of profound, there was more to come. In the next pair was Maggie, star pupil of the class, whose contribution to the exercise was the staggeringly existential, “Everything is nothing.” Sartre has nothing on this class. Last star of the day was Heidi, normally shy and retiring but today possibly showing her appreciation of Irish rock/metal legends Therapy? with “I’m going nowhere”.

I had to give them a round of applause after that display. A mere three months at the head of that class had me tired, jaded and as bored as my charges but I’ll be returning next week with renewed enthusiasm, searching for some way to unleash their emo-drenched teen angst again. Obviously the entries I declined to mention were the usual insipid, effortless pap but those three simple phrases and their revitalising effect on me, those are among the reasons I know I’m meant to be a teacher.

TILAT #3: The beautiful randomness

Short one today but I had to share it before I forgot. Yesterday I arrived at school to the sight of my boss performing what looked like a chemistry experiment on the front desk of the school. In front of him were an array of empty plastic water bottles, each cut in half with the top section inverted and stuck into the bottom to form a kind of funnel. Inside each of the bottles was a strangely dehydrated-urine-like liquid into which he was carefully measuring some mysterious light brown powder.

“Eric, what on earth are you doing?”, I inquired. Apparently the liquid was some sort of sugar solution into which he was pouring the mystery granules for the purpose of creating some kind of anti-mosquito swimming pool. He showed me the packet – yeast. “Wait a minute,” I thought, “sugar plus water plus yeast equals… moonshine?” Surely not?

“Eric, you do realise you’re making booze? Illegal hooch? In the front entrance of a school?”
“Hahaha, yes. It attracts the mosquitoes and they drown. Haha. But yes, I think it makes alcohol. Hahaha.”
“You realise that if this was the UK you’d be on your way to jail?”
“Hahaha yes, but I think no mosquitoes is good and I read this online.”

At which point he went back to his illicit still and continued the booze production line. In the end I never saw any of the bottles out for their purported purpose, perhaps he drank them instead. Anyway, that’s pretty much Taiwan (or really Asia in general) in a nutshell. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing, pay no heed to how crazy it may seem. As long as you have any kind of half-assed justification just laugh it off and go with the flow. Wonderful

Parks and dogs and guitars and stuff

Illness is me. On and off since arriving in Taichung – more on than off – I’ve been congested, lethargic and coughing up glowing, glutinous masses that resemble bad guys from old-school Doctor Who episodes. As yet there’s no definite cause, although now that I have my official Resident’s card and can take advantage of health insurance I’ll hopefully get some answers. It’s a possibility that I’m just picking up some new bugs from the kids in my charge – this is a hands-on job after all – and if that’s the case then a few pills should sort things out.

A more worrisome possibility is that it may be an effect of urban Taiwan’s omnipresent pollution. I’m a well-travelled guy and have seen cities in every corner of the globe but I can say without doubt or hesitation that Taichung beats them all hands-down when it comes to plumbing the darkest, most acrid depths of air quality. Apparently Taipei is worse still; the mind boggles. If it turns out that the fumes are the culprit then I’m in a sticky situation – the only option to improve things would be to stop cycling to work, thus reducing my air (I use the term lightly) intake and possibly alleviating the problem but at the expense of one of my few current pleasures. There are ten months left to tick off on this contract but it wouldn’t take a hellish big straw to break this camel’s back and send me looking elsewhere. I suppose there’s no point speculating until I hear the doctor’s verdict – and don’t  worry, I’ll be going to an actual doctor, not one of the cranks who’ll try  to cure me with a nice cup of tea and some powdered tiger’s cock.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, fear not. Despite the ever-present pox sapping my motivation and morale as it sucks at my energy reserves and despite my melancholy at the recent relationship status downgrade I’ve been making strides to get out and about and actually enjoy my time here. First step along that road was volunteering with Taichung Paws, a local dog charity who help educate people about proper dog care, give advice and assistance with re-homing animals and more besides. A couple of weeks ago they held a fundraising pub quiz which inspired me to help out that weekend with their monthly trip to a shelter in Tsaotun, an hour outside town. I wasn’t sure what to expect but everyone was so welcoming and friendly when I turned up, it was great. Armed with some bright orange wellies and aprons and, in my case, the most ridiculously gay light blue and pink sleeveless shirt, we descended upon the shelter to scrub the floors, clean the bowls, walk the dogs and dish out as much love as humanly possible. I’ve missed my old dog Cara so much and it’s just not practical to have pets while leading such a mobile lifestyle that any chance to adopt pseudo-pets, no matter how briefly, is something to be jumped at. Within a couple of hours we’d worked up a good sweat, tired the dogs out and managed to get the place looking pretty damn fine – it felt good. Next weekend is a barbecue at their shop so I’ll be heading along to hang out and play with pups and people alike. Happy Cannonball.

Taichung Paws clean-up crew @ Tsaotun shelter - job done!

Aside from this work my weekend adventures – the current work schedule prohibits most mid-week jollies – have mainly been based around the camera. At every opportunity I hop on my trusty bicycle, Furious George, and set off around town exploring Taichung’s many parks. In Taiwan, Taichung has a reputation for being a green city – I have no idea how this came around as my moaning about pollution will testify – and part of this stems from the small but varied verdant enclaves dotted around the district. On a good day these often peaceful refuges, whether plain grasslands, carefully sculpted collections of lakes and fountains, bridges and hills or the wonderful sculpture gardens, will come alive with throngs of citizens out to make the most of the sunshine and some time off work. Photo opportunities abound and thanks to the sheer volume of photography enthusiasts here most people are remarkably laid back about having their picture taken, a stark contrast to back home and the west in general. I’m posting some of my favourites here so feel free to have a peek. I’ve got a wide-angle (well, 24mm) lens and a tripod at the top of my shopping list so hopefully I’ll be taking more and more soon as my collection of toys grows.

Not supposed to have the subject moving out of the frame? I spit on your photography rules...

Final bit of fun news is a somewhat frivolous purchase. I’ve been pulling the purse strings pretty tight in true Scots fashion for the past few weeks but finally managed to stop being such a tight-arse and have some fun. So, this morning I wandered around the neighbourhood to find a needle and thread to stitch my shorts back together – no, not because I burst them – when what should I pass but a shiny guitar emporium boasting rack upon rack of cheap, high-quality Asian knock-off instruments. Not ten minutes later I was walking out carrying my previously purchased four bags of fruit and banana shake, only now with my guitar starter pack weighing me down in the blistering heat. One very reasonable, lightweight acoustic – blue for Scotia – as well as bag, strap, capo, fret polish and the most fantastically awesome tuner I’ve ever clapped eyes on for  the grand total of about £75. Cue a swift return to a thankfully empty flat where I proceeded to belt out every Biffy Clyro and Frightened Rabbit tune I could remember at the top of my lungs. Never did find that needle and thread…

So that’s all for now. Ill but still getting by. The rest of today, if it goes to plan, will involve a viewing of Thor, a burger at Early Bird and a chat with the lovely waitresses there and probably two or three more episodes of Fringe Season 3 before bed. Then back to the grind for another week of gym, teaching and wondering when I’ll actually get round to saving any money

Oh, and did I mention that I won a pub quiz? Whoop, back to form! And the answer that sealed the deal was ‘Uranus’, it was meant to be…

Adrift! Advice and info needed!

Since Saturday evening I’ve suddenly found myself in limbo once again, back on the single train with all the previous plans in tatters. Right now, in case you didn’t know, I’m in Taiwan but actually have little real desire to be here. No, I’m here because it was a place Em and I could both find work and we could save to help her pay off student loans. Don’t get me wrong, it’ a nice enough place and the money is good but it doesn’t have any special attraction for me beyond circumstances which expired a few days back. We had planned to stay here a while so we could learn Mandarin while saving and head to China later but to be honest, mainland China held no attraction for me beyond the smile it would have put on her face.

So I’m back to figuring out what the hell to do with the next few years and that’s where you come in. I need a mixture of information and advice and if anyone would oblige by leaving what they can in the comments then I’d be eternally grateful. Here’s the scoop…

For the next year I’ll be seeing out my contract in Taiwan. My schedule may be getting expanded to 29.5 teaching hours per week and at US$20 per hour I’m not about to skip out early. However I’m wanting to plan my next moves as early as possible and the main goal is to save enough money to head back to Scotland and get teacher certified as son as possible. This will more than likely involve at least one year teaching overseas first so I need to look at destinations. To my TEFL-teaching friends I make the following request – any information on places you’ve taught which a) allow a decent level of savings (US$1,200 or more saved per month would be needed to make it more worthwhile than here), b) don’t involve working in large cities and c) don’t work you to the death. Equally are there any places or employers you’d avoid like the plague?

If anyone arrives here who works or worked at an international school anywhere there’s a more general question – what’s it like? How’s the pay? The workload? The holidays? The social life? And how did you find the PGCE or whatever course you took to qualify? How long did it take and did you have time to work while you studied?

I realise all y’all are busy with your own jobs/partying/education but if anyone has time to leave a few words I’d be super-grateful. Not quite sexual favours grateful but certainly ‘drinks are on me’ grateful the next time our paths cross. Just having some extra titbits to help focus my mind on the future instead of the past right now would make a world of difference.

Thanks

Vroom-vroom, yum-yum

So, the Taichung settling process continues apace; must be five weeks here now and already it feels like home, albeit a home I’m not entirely comfortable in yet. The past week has seen my commence my full teaching schedule and it’s as intense as expected – 26.5 hours of class time with my Monday commencing at 13:40 and not finishing until 21:40. Fair enough, that’s only eight hours you might say, but that’s two 4-hour classes and two 1.5-hour classes, the last three only having 10-minute breaks between them, the upshot being that I’m forced to get to school a couple of hours before I start to prep for the day ahead.

Not that I’m complaining though. The hours can be fairly punishing but there are upsides in that the pre-structured lesson plans, required by Shane English School of all teachers, are far less demanding than creating your own from scratch and can indeed be pretty formulaic. This has the advantage of reducing prep time by a good margin, although formulaic plans can lead to formulaic lessons if you’re not careful. Kids are not tolerant of boredom and repetition to put it mildly.

Apparently the lessons will pick up yet further during the summer as exasperated parents dump their hyperactive offspring at our doors for summer break. My workday currently begins at 13:40 at the earliest but there are morning classes on the horizon. Not ideal for an early morning gym monkey like myself but it’s all extra money and I’m sure going to need all I can get to finance my trip home for my brother’s wedding this August.

So what else is going on? Well first off I’ve finally managed to really get moving on the bicycle front. Every day it’s a 6km ride to and from school to get the blood pumping and reduce the fledgling spare tyre I picked up in the UK and US over winter. The route is pretty straightforward although the traffic-choked nature of Taichung and the non-existence of anything resembling rules of the road makes it a fraught experience at times. The motorists’ favourite maneuver is, it would appear, to overtake cyclists just yards before the right turning they need to make (they drive on the wrong side of the road here) and then cut said cyclist off with inches to spare, all while blasting the horn as if it’s our fault. Foolishly I had also presumed that the red, amber and green lights at every intersection indicated some kind of traffic priority system rather than simply being decoration – it took almost being wiped out by a speeding bus barreling through a red light mere centimetres from my front wheel to make me realise that they’re just decoration for the most part.

There is another downside to my self-propelled adventures; the weather. Taiwan is significantly cooler than much of Thailand for the majority of the year but in comparison to Scotland it’s still pretty balmy and that turns me into a sodden sweat-monster by the end of my journey, at least on the way to work. Setting off at midday during summer can only end one way and it’s only going to get hotter for the next few months. The fact that the last 2km to school are uphill further compounds the problem. Silver linings are everywhere though – the return journey, during the cool of night when the streets are far less crowded, is mostly downhill and with a prevailing wind at my back. Cue the ‘Street Hawk’ theme running through my head as I race the stop lights down Taichung Port Road

Of course all this extra physical activity has led to a vastly increased appetite, my body constantly harassing me to replenish its newly depleted energy sources and keep it from keeling over. Fair enough, going my from the three months of sedentary stagnation over winter to suddenly hitting the gym every morning, cycling to work and teaching again must have come as something of a shock so I’ve been only too happy to accede to my stomach’s endless entreaties for sustenance.

This has required significant reserves of willpower however. In stark contrast to Surat Thani, Taichung is a wonderland of world cuisine no different from any other thriving metropolis. Within a block of my apartment I can gorge myself on Greek, tempt myself with tapas or munch on some Mexican. My part of the city isn’t called Little Europe for nothing – it’s a Western expat’s paradise bustling with Italian eateries, German delicatessen’s and the ubiquitous American-style diners which pepper the city. Foods are imported in healthy quantities so no home comfort is impossible to find, with the welcome consequence that high-quality beef is everywhere – steaks, burgers, chili, sausages, you name it.

All this culinary wonder comes at a price though, to both the wallet and the waistline. Over a year and a half my physiology and finances adapted perfectly to the Thai way of perfectly stomach-sized meals almost entirely free of fat and so cheap that to cook for yourself rather than enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labour seemed like an unaffordable luxury. The western diet – typically various combinations of potatoes, meat, bread, cheese and pasta – is much less forgiving to the body and costs anywhere from two to five times the price of local fare (I’ll post about that soon, still sampling).

With that in mind the home-grown treats have become a weekend reward in return for behaving myself throughout the week, and behaving myself has meant a long-overdue return to cooking. My current abode has a well-equipped kitchen and I’ve taken back to cooking with a vengeance. My adventures haven’t been too extreme so far, I’m still sourcing ingredients and my quest to regain fitness has meant meals revolving around a combination of fish/chicken with wholewheat pasta/brown rice and various vegetables (the flavour and variety of mushrooms on offer here is simply phenomenal, fungi lovers take note). Once I’m fully settled and have added the necessary equipment, herbs and spices to the kitchen then expect the scope to expand significantly, especially when I have the opportunity to show off to Em…

That’s all for now. My weekend plans have  been sabotaged by my borrowed scooter deciding to die on me and by the sudden and by no means unpleasant appearance of some rain showers. Instead of exploring the further reaches of Taichung county and scoping Em’s new school with my camera I’m sequestered indoors with the internet and several movie channels to keep me company. Never mind, pay-day slowly approaches and with it the promise of a tripod for my camera, allowing me to capture Taichung’s sparkling, neon-soaked presence during the odd hours which I’m forced to keep. More news to come soon…

Good news

Well it’s taken a while but after a coupe of false starts and misunderstandings Em has got a job in Taichung! In mid-June a new Shane English School franchise opens in Fengyuan District, a mere 10km north of my current luxurious lodgings, and she’ll be one of the first teachers in the door. After almost a year on different continents we’ll finally be back in the same location at the same time, a situation which makes for a most joyous Cannonball indeed. Of course it’s not all perfect, nothing ever is; the location of the school is just far enough in this congested sprawl to make it awkward, especially given out antisocial hours plus the fact that it’s a new school means a possible dearth of available hours, the opposite of what we need. These are mere details next to the fact that we’re actually going to be able to see each other without relying on the good graces of Skype and Taiwan’s ISPs.

So what else is new? Well my residency status in this  apartment is still up in the air due to the fact that Nike, my flatmate’s employers and managers of the lease, regard me and any other potential tenant as an unacceptable liability. Seriously, this halfway-to-70, property-owning photography enthusiast is causing them sleepless nights? So this week’s mission for Kristina and I is to convince them that my rental income would be a Good Thing for them, that I’m not about to burn the place down in a Satanic orgy and that it might be a sensible idea to allow their employees to have some company for the sake of their sanity. Fingers crossed.

After two weeks of hacking, coughing and sneezing I’m almost over the longest lasting cold/throat infection of my life, meaning that I’ve finally been able to test the cheap-ass bike I picked up a fortnight back. One of my very few gripes about Thailand was that it was just too damn hot to be able to comfortably cycle with any regularity – heat kills me as far as exercise goes, halving the distance I can run or cycle without collapsing or drowning in my own sweat. The variable weather over here is far more amenable to outdoor pursuits so I’ve been donning my cycling shorts (not skin-tight, don’t worry) and exploring the further reaches of my new stomping ground.

Over the past year and a half I’d forgotten the overwhelming sense of freedom which comes with urban biking, the mobility which allows my to cut between lanes, hop the kerb when necessary and generally make any journey half as long as it would otherwise be. First big challenge is today though, the journey to my school which lies six ill-repaired  and fume-choked kilometres north-west and which will require a return journey through Taiwan’s insane driving population after dark. Fingers once more crossed.

Another former passion which I’ve rekindled is cooking. During my time in Thailand the food from the street vendors was too cheap, convenient and mouthwateringly delicious for me to bother about home cooking, despite the fact that I had previously lovingly crafted every single meal I ate in Scotland. They offered up combinations of herbs and spices with which I could never hope to compete so I succumbed to temptation and laziness, with the result that my total number of cooking expeditions probably never breached double figures.

Taiwan is a different story. Not that the food here  isn’t interesting, on the contrary Taichung is a culinary mecca with dishes from every corner of the globe available within ten minutes of my front door. However such delicacies come with a price and I’m here to save money – this time the economics actually support making an effort in the kitchen. There’s also the fact that the local dishes, while tasty and cheap, tend to be laden with oil which is not what I need when trying to get back into shape (which is coming along swimmingly by the way). Cue a couple of trips to Costco and A-Mart and I now have a rather large batch of particularly feisty Thai red chicken curry in the fridge. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mighty proud. Kristina has a small library of cookbooks (I woke up to find a present of a freshly made banana muffin waiting for me on the kitchen worktop) so if I stay here the curry will just be the tip of the iceberg.

Last but not least for this post is my new obsession, photography. Okay, so I was taking snaps by the bucketload while in Suratthani and the endless surrounding tropical idylls, but those were with a simple compact which took a fair beating over its lifespan and is now retired. On my return to Scotland I retrieved my DSLR from its guardian, Lindsay, and set to work on finally figuring out how to do real photography. I’m a real read-the-manual guy – if there’s a manual on how to read manuals I’d read it – and I needed to get to grips with the nuts and bolts first so I devoured the manufacturer’s guide, scoured the net for articles on the inner workings of cameras and followed it up with as many blogs. forums and whatnot regarding the creative process as I could.

Brain suitably overloaded I set to work and started actually taking photos, armed with my EOS 350D (old now, I know), the kit 18-55mm lens, a new 75-300mm telephoto and a week-old 50mm f1.8 which is now my pride and joy. It’s early days yet and I’m still getting to grips with the finer  points of metering, exposures and suchlike but despite my own vicious self-criticism I think I’m getting better. I’m uploading my snaps to Facebook more to show my friends where I’m living now but I just put my favourites on my Flickr account here. Please go have a look and leave a comment if you see anything you like.

And that, pretty much it for now. In 2.5 hours I commence my first and only class for today, with my full schedule kicking in on Monday when Eric, the Canadian teacher I’m replacing and a fellow sci-fi/fantasy geek who will therefore be sorely missed, departs to join his Taiwanese girlfriend in Mongolia. The full schedule is a gut-busting 26.5 hours per week of teaching hours anywhere from 13:40 through till 21:40 depending on the day so I may be too exhausted to partake in many fun activities for a while, at least till my brain adjusts to it. Wish me luck